i. 31/1/24.
12pm: hello, world! set up some basic pages for you to peruse, dear viewer. used some cute ascii art i found on this website. working on denpatenshi while studying because i missed class yesterday, but i'm feeling better today fortunately. fun fact: my cough medication can also be used as a rapid acting antidepressant! gonna finish up my self-study for the lesson i missed, and then i'm going to get started on looking through sources for my paper. if i don't... then, well, tomorrow is another day ☺ oh, and my jekyll and hyde book just arrived! happy...
5pm: i'm currently watching manlybadasshero's let's play of hypnospace outlaw, and it's giving me so much serotonin. love these trawling through the internet simulators!
ii. 1/2/24.
9am: good morning! learnt how to code in div styles today ☺ i got rid of style.css because i have absolutely no idea how to edit it... but on the plus side the font is exactly what i wanted now, so yay! i really need to do sources for my paper today... i spent the whole day studying for the lesson i missed and didn't get to! really wondering if i should talk to my psych about an adhd diagnosis...
7pm: talked to the accessibility team at my school and just felt like an absolute imposter while talking to them. i feel like i'm not really 'ill enough' for such accomodations, and it made me try to overcompensate by 'acting' it. that feels kind of ingrained in me at this point, trying to make other people believe that i'm sick rather than just being actually sick. i catch myself lying about things that don't even matter. it's so stupid.
i don't really know what i need or what i'm doing, i just know that i need help but i don't know what for. at least i get some grace period for exams and assignments, but i just feel so... i don't know if i was ready to go back into schooling. i'm kind of freaking out because i felt ready and i finally had something in mind for my future and now it feels like i might be wrong. again. how many times have i been coasting along life through urges and impulses? i don't know why it's so hard for me to actually work on projects. like, i logically know that i have to do work, and i have all the steps laid out in my head, and i keep assuring myself that it'll get easier when i actually start doing it, but my brain just freezes when i tell myself to get started on it. am i just lazy or am i mentally ill? how do i even differentiate between the two? what's the difference between not wanting to do something and wanting to do something, really wanting to, but then just not doing anything? is it lazy to not lift a finger even if you're screaming as yourself to do so?
i really do think there's something more wrong with me, which is hilarious because i thought after getting that ~psychiatrist stamp of approval~ for my major depressive disorder that things would be better. and they've gotten better, to be fair, but it's still not enough. i'm like a nesting doll of mental health issues. it feels like i'm the only one in the family with these issues. and i'm just like... why am i so fucked up? what happened? i still wish i could just volunteer myself for a brain scan and have the machine tell me everything that's wrong with me. i'm tired of having to find out about myself and advocate for myself. i wish people believed me. am i just going to be like this forever?
typing this all out feels dumb. i feel like i'm putting on a performance so that people can believe me again- i'm like that kindergarten girl crying and throwing a fit so my parents are convinced that i'm actually sick. but no one is here. i'm just shouting to the void. maybe i'm putting on a performance to deceive myself, but why do i even need to do that? i'm the only one who gets that i'm sick.
i didn't expect myself to write this long, haha. nor my mood to be so drastic compared to my previous entries. i don't know why i'm so obsessed with having a 'consistent public character'- being inconsistent is human and so, so beautiful. but i just feel like a patchwork of cliches.
11pm: the first hurdle is always the hardest- that's what my brother told me, and i'm ashamed to say that he really is right lol... but i actually managed to do some reading of my sources, and it didn't turn out to be a total waste of time- the dopamine's at an all time high! makes me feel a little stupid, like 'why was i so scared of starting work'? now that i think about it, i think i actually have read academic journals before in my free time, so the freeze reaction really makes no sense. i'm still ashamed at how long it took for me to get started... i think it took me a week to actually just start the reading, oof. but i did some stuff! be proud of me, internet! let's hope i don't freeze up tomorrow when i have to do more reading and note-taking... but let's put all that aside tonight. i'm going to work on my notes tomorrow morning before class. oh, i think i can actually bring my references and outline with me on my phone so i can read while i travel!
iii. 2/2/24.
11am: it's funny, actually- when i was young, i had issues with feeling disconnected from my reality and feeling tethered to the internet, but as i grow older and towards adulthood, i've been experiencing the opposite problem. nowadays, logging onto social media legitimately makes me feel ill. i log onto what little remains of my online presence, get bombarded with posts upon posts saying that everything i do, feel, think and believe in is wrong- even about the most mundane things, like the hobbies i partake in or the genres i enjoy exploring.
to reiterate what i stated in my about page- i really do feel that the internet has become a much more divided, isolated space. it feels impossible to establish a connection with people when the online world is like this, when social media corporations are actively trying to drive away their users if they're not slowly dying due to the lack of profit they receive in the modern age. the internet feels simultaneously dirty and clean. back then, i at least knew where to go to if i wanted friends who shared the same interests and ideals as me, but now? what am i supposed to do? community feels few and far between, and it's harder to avoid the people you don't like and find the people you do. people are actively turning their backs on social media, me included- (and by social media, i do mean open social media rather than closed social media like messaging or video game distribution apps) i've seen people relegating themselves to discord servers, closed communities that are filled with close friends. even engaging with hobbies and interests that used to net me friendships in the early 21st century now just leaves me feeling more isolated. with the slow decline of social media, it feels almost like an omen, a warning about how the world is changing, how interaction with peers and hierarchies will transform in front of our eyes.
it's made me reconnect with not being so hesitant to just spend time with myself, though, on the bright side. i don't know when i started feeling uncomfortable with just being in solitude again- it was something i was working on and had been content with until lately, but now, when the internet just doesn't feel safe anymore for me to express myself? being alone and connecting with reality has been nice. something's nice about reading neocities blogsites that serve as online diaries, seeing peoples creativities. something's nice about reading books, going to stores and talking to the clerks there. and though i'd like to go out one day to those events that keep pinging my texts, i think just being able to see that these events are happening and that i can go there brings me a great deal of comfort. also, funnily enough, school has been a great source of refuge for me in terms of just avoiding the internet- 2 whole hours a day of being too busy to look at my apps! insane.
writing in this diary is pretty nice, too. feels less about venting your emotions out and more just letting the thoughts in your head flow. it's just me and the void of the internet- not that crushing black hole of a void that i feel when i go on open social media, where your cries are swallowed up by the event horizon, but a comforting infinite expanse of darkness, with far away stars that twinkle at you in solidarity.
i wonder how much further my relationship with the internet will degrade. i'm a big nerd at heart, honestly, so it would be nice if i didn't have to abandon my fandom proclivities. but maybe it will. i'm not sure if that's a bad thing.
6pm: classes are over, the day went as well as it could have, and i learnt how to make containers! now, excuse me as i riddle this whole site with containers... (also, learnt how to make scrolling text! hehehehe...) thinking of getting a vintage digicam so i can take cool y2k-esque pics... i want a silver sony cam!
iv. 3/2/24.
1pm: a new area was released today on the genshin update- been having a lot of fun playing the new pyro character and exploring the area. i think it's just nice to relax sometimes- hoping all you dear viewers have a good lunar new year!
5pm: i'm glad i decided to bite the bullet and just start messing around on beepbox, to be honest. while trawling through the web, i found this channel who composes really amazing music, and i thought 'wouldn't it be nice if i could make something like that?' and unlike my digital art, i don't have that nagging sense of perfectionism at the back at my head when i play around with the program- i only really think about whether it sounds good to me, and make it accordingly. and with this being more or less stress-free, i'm really feeling that call to create again, to create a story that i can engross myself in. in the past, i'd want it to mean something, but nowadays, i've sort of just said screw it. i want to make something i enjoy and find fun, i want to make things that reference my interests! as a kid, full story ideas would come easy to me, but as an adult, i can only think in fragmented concepts, and never really the full picture. maybe it's because i get so distracted by everything- but maybe there's also a level of perfectionism at play in wanting to make 'the perfect story'.
the kinds of stories i really enjoy are stories that kind of take place in reality- i've always been fascinated with arg and unfiction projects, characters that would come to life in social media or websites that appear to be run by them, or dossiers or documents that look like they're taking notes on the character. it's like taking a peek into the fictional reality they exist in, and for a moment you really do feel like they exist beside you. it's worldbuilding and narration all in one! i think it'd be fun to do something like that- i feel every story idea i come up with, i always want to do something like that.
tangent aside, i feel like other hobbies that i'm interested in are difficult to get into, especially when you don't have much money to spare: for example, i think i'd like to learn how to crochet one day, or do felting, but that means getting materials that aren't really commonly sold, at least to my knowledge. it's something that i struggled with during schooling, too- my art was only really limited to traditional pen(cil) and paper or my tiny wacom tablet. there isn't much space to keep stuff like watercolours or copics. if anyone is reading my diary, do you have any low resource hobbies that you still keep up to 'til this day? at this rate, i think i might just start shredding pieces of paper and making paper stars- even that seems like something fun. i could continue working on my legos, but i'm actually pretty new at making legos- i never was interested in it until my online friends passed me a mini lego set to put together! but it takes quite a while, and sometimes you just don't know where the pieces go. it's kind of like a 3d puzzle, you know?
i think, regardless of everything i say, i still really like browsing the internet. i feel that's a hobby you can't really compare to anything else. as someone who felt pretty disconnected- and still does feel disconnected from the average person, it feels like to take a peek through the window and see what they're up to. digital people-watching, almost. the internet exposed me to such a vast world, that i never really get claustrophobic or restless staying where i am. good old reliable internet, there to connect me to people when i never can quite do it in my flesh body.
v. 5/2/24.
8pm: i added a little page full of things that resonate with me that i never had a chance to talk about in depth with people, and things that i just found neat.
vi. 7/2/24.
10am: sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i wasn't mentally ill. my class conducted a discussion where we were talking about how our lives would be like if we were struggling with a psychological disorder (don't get me started on one of my classmate's yet-to-be-unpacked biases against the disorder we were talking about), and all i could think of was... that's me. the more i dwell on it, the more i start to see. it's difficult for me to concentrate in class sometimes. it's difficult for me to get started on my work- i'm still struggling to get started on some of my assignments. my peers used to think i was 'too weird', unapproachable- i was ostracized as a result. it's difficult for me to seek help, it's difficult for me to receive it. i received an accessibility plan a while ago, and i'm still hesitating on submitting it to my unit coordinators in fear that i will be marked as 'different'. i think to my classmates, who don't seem to have any trouble with their studies- some who always study in the morning, some who aren't impeded by anxiety and are able to eloquently share their thoughts in class, and i just wonder what would my life be like if i wasn't struggling? would i be able to do the same thing? would i be able to do well in my studies, would i be able to talk to people without feeling this cavernous gap between us? would i no longer have to deal with feeling like an impostor, having to strive to pretend to be normal? would i not be having anxiety attacks every time my mind is set on doing work, would i not be paralyzed at my work table when i'm faced with a monumental task? or would i still do all the same things i'm doing now, just willingly; without guilt? would i not immediately think of dying everytime i fail? would i not feel this crushing guilt whenever i feel like i've forsaken myself and the people who i affect?
i feel ungrateful for struggling this hard even when i'm afflicted with what may be the most common disorder. i feel dumb and stupid and incapable. other people are struggling and yet they're still able to maintain three jobs, a social life and their studies. other people are struggling and yet they can confide in others. every single time i look deep within myself, i always find something else is wrong. and i'm tired of finding that there's something else wrong with me that i have to grapple. i'm like a nesting doll of problems. i'm tired. i don't want anything else to be wrong with me. i just want to finally live. i just want, so desperately, to live.
i feel robbed. i keep thinking of my father saying that i have to advocate for myself now, because i'm an adult. the truth is, i've always been advocating for myself, since i was a child. i never had anyone stand up for me without asking.
9pm: the way i can cram a month's worth of work in a week in the right circumstances is magical... i know it isn't healthy for me in the long run, but the dopamine high is so intense right now- i can take pride in this! right?
vii. 9/2/24.
10pm: as i write this, the last of my extended family have gone home, and the cacophony of children squealing and parents talking have finally died away. i had a lot of fun playing with the kids in my family- the hoard of plushies i've collected over the years finally have a use! hoping everyone has a pleasant lunar new year- may you be prosperous, healthy, and happy!
the lunar new year is always weird for me- when i think of it, i'm reminded of feeling alone, despite being surrounded with people. call this a cliche feeling, if you will- but i suppose it's the fate of the youngest child born in the middle generation. never old enough to be considered an adult, yet old enough to still be a kid- i've long accepted my permanent spot on the kids table at reunion dinners. it's weird, i suppose- all my life, i found myself being closer to my elder peers than my younger ones, and yet i still feel lost whenever i try to talk to them. it doesn't help that all they want to know about is school and work and domestic life, when the direction my life is heading in is going to deviate so much from the norm. it made me impulsively register for some social activities, both queer ones in my area- hoping that those all go well! i've been meaning to connect with people near me, anyway- and i found some more book clubs/writing clubs online, which, though i don't quite have the time now, i'm keeping tabs on them so that i could attend them whenever my schedule clears up. i have a story idea or three in my mind that i need to hash out, first...
but, aside from that melancholic reprieve, i did have fun today. for a few hours, the house was loud and joyous and full of life, laughter, and love. and i enjoyed playing with my younger nieces and nephews. it's kind of surreal, honestly, transitioning from 'the one who is played with' to 'the one who plays with', but i take on that role with pride now. i don't think i'll ever forget the beaming smiles on their faces whenever i goofed around with them, be it playing catch, beating up plushies with other plushies, and overall just playing around the house. i know how easy it is to feel disconnected and isolated amongst your own family during the chinese new year- if i can make these kids have fun and give them something worth looking back on with fondness, then i think chinese new year would ultimately be a success.
the food was also pretty good. enough said.
viii. 11/2/24.
10pm: can't concentrate again. i'm so close to finishing this assignment, i'm so close, but i still can't step over the finish line. i'm so frustrated with myself. time is running out and i'm trying to keep myself calm but i'll admit that the panic is settling in. i've just been staring at my computer screen, at the articles i want to read, at the essay i'm so close to finish the draft of, and my mind is absolutely blank. i'm throwing in the towel today and allowing myself to not think about work anymore, but i'm still so immensely frustrated with myself.
ix. 13/2/24.
10pm: i saw this tumblr post on my dashboard and it got me thinking about cruelty and how the world doesn't see it as a symptom of a larger problem in society. i feel too often that cruelty is seen as something quirky- a trend, defined by witty zingers and 'deserved, if directed to the right person'. no one sees cruelty as a cry for help, as a defense mechanism as it so commonly is- no one remembers that some fight rather than flee or freeze. no one sees it as a result of an equally cruel society, as an attempt to conceptualize one's world, one's place in it, and one's attempt to grasp autonomy in a world that wants them to be one thing or nothing at all. cruelty to each other in an attempt to keep each other in check, to keep people afloat. and people in power take advantage of it, blunt their weapon into a fashion trend. i think the blunting of weapons is a fate worse than death: something many corporations have done so before. with punk subculture, with feminism, with a whole array of progressive political, 'stronger together than divided' ideologies. the moment corporations turn your knives into plastic toys, the point is lost to the waves of time.
i watched a let's play of class of '09 a few weeks ago, and let's just say i enjoyed it a lot more than i thought i would've. first of all, the period-accurate lingo used and fashion choices were on point- but i think a lot about the main character, nicole, who is absolutely atrocious, but as much of a victim of this cruel world as the other characters in the game are. this post made me think of the parallels between mean girls (2004) and class of '09 (2021), the way the adults around these teenagers are predatory or incompetent, the way it truly feels like it's them against the world. the way the girls are cruel to each other, the way regina had no other outlet to vocalize her discontent with the world. jecka says that "being a girl [...] is a gift and a curse". you understand, throughout class of '09 and the endings you get, why exactly nicole is such a cruel person, when the world horrifically punishes you for being decent and kind to the people around you- how when she feels trapped in this societal expectation to be kind and accomodating (an enabler, she says), she turns to gossipping and complaining to her friends, badmouthing the boys, saying how she wishes they were just honest about their sexual attraction towards her.
cruelty as a cry for help. but sooner or later, that cry's going to be muffled; silenced. i don't like the implication of that- i don't want to live in a world where needless cruelty and apathy are normalized, seen as a trend, seen as something to be so you can act like your favorite characters on television. most importantly, i don't want to live in a world where suffering has nowhere to go but deeper within.
x. 22/2/24.
6pm: a shorter entry today- i'm just sorry for not having posted much! i thought i'd have a lot more time on my hands after finishing the first stage of my uni assignments, but another module i signed up for started immediately after, and i got two assignments due in A WEEK? i'm glad that i'm making good progress on it instead of getting hung up on not having time to myself, as i was wont to do when i was younger, but still... i just want to relax!
i'm preparing to go to this book club in my area, and i'm looking forward to it, especially since it's run by lgbt folk. i've really been thinking about how important social interaction and connection is for not only me, but humanity as a whole- i feel like a lot of people think they can be alone, but i think we all have a commonality that even if we're isolated, we still have the bare minimum interaction with others, be it with people online, your family, your roommates, etc, etc. i hope that by searching for community, i'll feel a lot less isolated in the world.
i've also been researching about the literary scene in my country, and it is surprisingly vibrant and active?! there's an open call for an anthology, and so i've decided to focus on that rather than my interactive fiction project, simply because i don't really know how to get started on that, and it all seems so sprawling and overwhelming. if choose-your-own-adventures were wild enough as a reader, making your own choose-your-own-adventure stories must be even wilder! but short form prose... i think i can do that. i have been doing that. and i think it's a better start. i guess the family curse of being too ambitious didn't end with me, haha- all i needed was something to die for, it seems...